I Am Number 5's Fanfiction Reviews
by I am Number 5
Summary: I Am Number 5, along with her favorite fictional characters, reviews the good and bad stories of FFN.
1. Introduction

**I Am Number 5's ****Fanfiction Reviews**

**Prologue**

**By I Am Number 5**

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><p><strong>I don't own anything. The characters belong to their respective owners, and the stories belong to their respective writers.<strong>

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><p>Hello, my name is I Am Number 5. I have been browsing through the fanfiction communities lately, and I have come across some...er, <em>insteresting<em> stories. Some good, some bad, and some absolutely _terrible_. I have also seen a handful of fanfics where authors review other fanfics. So I have decided to try it as well.

Please keep in mind that I do not intend on hurting people. These are my own honest opinions, and I have no intention of hurting anyone unless they are truly asking for it. _Please_ understand that this is only for fun. If I really hurt your feelings, _please_ let me know, and I will fix it right away.

Also, if you want me to review one of your fanfics, don't be afraid to ask me! I would love to read your stories!

Okay, so now that I am done with that, let's meet my co-readers!

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><p>"Alright everyone!" I said. "Get over here, there's a bunch of people reading this!"<p>

As my co-readers gathered in the center of the room, I smiled.

"Behold!" I said. "My co-readers for the next...whatever. Now, I shall now introduce the characters created by pure geniuses!"

I pointed to the first person. "This is Ruffnut!"

Ruffnut grinned and held her hand up in that wierd finger thing that Spock does in Star Trek. "Sup," She said. I stared at her for a moment before speaking.

"You know you're amazing right?" I asked her. She nodded in a not-so-modest way.

"Of course I am," She said.

"We should be friends."

"I agree."

"YES!" I yelled, jumping up. "I'M FRIENDS WITH RUFFNUT, WOOT!"

I took a deep breath and sat again, brushing my hair down. I turned to the next person.

"This is Master Tigress of the Jade Palace." I said.

Tigress narrowed her eyes. "You know I'm better than this," She said.

"Oh come one!" I reasoned, nudging her in the ribs. "You just don't want to be here because Po's not here."

Tigress sat up and blushed. "That is not true."

"Yes it is."

"Not it's not."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"No it's not."

"Thank you for agreeing with me!" Tigress said in satisfaction. I paused for a moment, thinking back on what we were previously saying, until it hit me.

"DAMMIT!" I yelled, stamping my feet. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED! I'M _SUCH_ AN IDIOT!" I then proceeded to place a paper bag over my head. I clapped my hands together.

"Next!" I turned to the next person. "This is March Hare!"

The March Hare was twitching, sipping from a tea cup and his eyes were darting around constantly. I hunched over with a tea cup and began to imitate him.

"This is laced with cocain," I said in a mock Scottish accent.

"I do not sound like that!" March Hare snapped. He then glanced down at his cup. "Cup..."

"Your mad!" I said, laughing.

"Oh why thank you!"

I threw my tea cup behind me, and proceeded to the next person. "This is Molly."

Molly sighed, picking dirt from under her nails. "I wish you would all go away." She said, gloomily.

"Oh come one," I said, hugging her. "You know you _love_ us!" Molly's eyes widened and she shrieked.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She screamed. I quickly pulled away, looking sheepish.

"Sorry," I said. "Forgot about that."

"AND FINALLY!" I yelled. "OUR FINAL GUEST *dramatic pause* GIR!"

The robot stared up at me, before yelling: "I CAN SEE UP YOUR NOSE!" I squealed and grabbed him up and squeezed him.

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" I yelled. GIR hugged me back.

"I LOVE YOU TOO PIGGY!" He yelled. My eye widened in adoration.

"This is the best day of my life," I said, tearing up. "I became friends with Ruffnut, got tricked by Tigress, imitated the March Hare, screamed at by Molly and hugged and called a piggy by GIR!"

Ruffnut sighed. "Stef, take off the paper bag, you look ridiculous."

"NOW SHE SAID I LOOK RIDICULOUS! THIS DAY ROCKS!"

Molly came up behind me a ripped the paper bag off my head. I screamed and pulled my hood over my head.

"NO!" I cried. "DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M HIDEOUS!"

"Noooo," the March Hare said. "You have inner beauty!" He glanced at the spoon in his hand. "Spoon..."

Tigress whacked the spoon out of his hand. "Enough with your ridiculous assorted cutlery!" She said.

"Aw..."

I pulled my hood off my head and smiled. "And that concludes the prologue! If you guys want us to review one of your stories, let me know! Until next time!"

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><p><strong>Okay, so I was completely bored. Then I had the sudden urge to write this. I don't know why, it's weird. Oh well, if you want me to review, tell me! I won't bite...maybe.<strong>

**-I Am Number 5**


	2. Confessions of a Teenage Viking

**I Am Number 5's ****Fanfiction Reviews**

**1: Confessions of a Teenage Viking**

**By I Am Number 5**

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><p><strong>I don't own anything. The characters belong to their respective owners, and 'Confessions of a Teenage Viking' belongs to Bardess of Avon<strong>

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><p>"Hello readers," I smiled. "Welcome to the Reading Room."<p>

"YOU'RE ALL LATE FOR TEA!" The March Hare threw his tea cup at my head, and I quickly ducked to avoid it.

"Tsk, tsk." Ruffnut snarked from her seat.

"Alright, before we begin, I have something to show you all." I held up a blue, rectangular box covered in colorful buttons. "This is the Quad box."

"Quad?" Tigress asked.

"In NYC, it means 'Fail'. I will be handing this out to everyone here every chapter, and whenever there is a fail, press this button and-" I pressed the largest button.

"QUAD!"

"What do you mean by 'Fail'?" Molly asked.

"Well, for example, say your reading a fanfic, and you see a grammar error, then you point it out in a humorous way, press the button and-" I pressed the button again.

"QUAD!"

"What are the other buttons for?" March Hare asked.

"Oh, those are for other occations. I believe they're self-explanitory." I proceeded to press the rest of the buttons.

*crowd cheering*

*crowd booing*

"BURN!"

"LOL."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"PIGGY!"

"I don't get the last one," Molly scratched her head.

"That was GIR." I pointed out. Everyone turned to look at GIR, who held a rubber pig in his arms.

"Okay..." Tigress scooted further away from the robot.

"Alright! Let's start our first review!" I opened my laptop and clicked on the story. Molly was looking over my shoulder at the title.

"_Confessions of a Teenage Viking_," She read. "I'm gonna go on a limb and guess that this is a _How to Train Your Dragon_ fanfic."

"Not just _any_ How to Train Your Dragon fanfic." I said. "It's a fanfic written by my soulmate _Bardess of Avon_, and it is also about Ruffnut."

"WHOA, A WHOLE FANFIC ABOUT ME?" Ruffnut jumped up and shoved March Hare out of his chair to sit next to me.

"HEY!" The March Hare screamed, chucking a tea cup at her. It hit the side of her helmet, but she seemed unaffected.

"Yep," I stated proudly. "Alright, let's get started!"

_There are ten things majorly wrong with my life._

_1. I am a girl. I mean, that's enough to screw me over forever, so it's almost unnecessary to go into the next nine reasons. But I'm going to anyway._

"Boy, do I know how that feels." Tigress grouched.

_2. I have a twin brother who thinks that because he is twenty-two minutes older than me and was born with a penis, he is automatically better than me. Also he thinks he's prettier. I'm not sure if agreeing to this last part is insulting him or not._

"I think it goes both ways," I shrugged.

_3. Even though I have the braids and the boobs (I mean, okay, so they're not a lot, but they're still there), people still confuse me with my twin brother._

"I don't know how they manage it, and yet my mind is SWIMMING with possibilities." Ruffnut said.

_4. My first kiss was with a girl. She says it doesn't count because we were practicing, but she was better than the first guy to ever put his lips on mine._

_5. The first male I kissed was unconscious and to this day has no idea it happened. So I'm not sure if that actually counts or not._

_6. The first conscious male I kissed was drunk and thought I was someone else._

_7. After said male realized I was not Astrid, he threw up all over my boots._

Ruffnut sighed and facepalmed.

_8. When I was a kid, the other moms asked my mom to stop sending me over to play with their daughters because I was a "bad influence" (so I cut Thunderthigh's hair once, so what?). Instead, I had to play with losers like my brother, Astrid Hofferson (although she's not a loser, she's just kind of scary sometimes), Snotlout Jorgenson, Fishlegs Ingerman, and Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III. Nothing has changed; we are all still friends, and things are probably going to stay that way forever. There is no escape._

"Good times," Ruffnut nodded.

_9. My friends are freaks. All of them._

"I have nothing else to say, except for AMEN." said Molly.

_And the top reason my life sucks?_

_10. I fell in love with the biggest loser on the island and lost him to the coolest girl on the island._

I smiled evilly, and I turned my head to give a knowing look at Ruffnut. She looked away, whistling innocently.

_A hiccup is something small and annoying and really hard to get rid of. It's like, you just don't want it, you know? Yeah. That was Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III for you._

"Well isn't that a lovely analogy?" March Hare asked, sipping his tea.

_Anyone in Berk will tell you that Vikings have stubbornness issues, and it's completely true. I wanted Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, and nothing was gonna stop me from making him mine. I decided this the summer before I turned fifteen. That was the summer that my breasts—small as they are—finally decided to show up (although Astrid's were bigger, of course), we started dragon training, me and my brother got tattoos, and Hiccup saved our entire village from the biggest (literally) enemy we would ever have._

_This is the story of that summer._

"You got a tattoo?" Tigress asked. Ruffnut raised her eyebrow.

"I don't remember..." She looked down at her wrist and pulled the bindings around her arm away, and saw a green dragon on her wrist. 'WHAT THE HELL? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!"

"Okay Ruff," I said soothingly. "No more group orgies for you."

GIR laughed maniacally and pressed a button on the Quad box.

"BURN!"

"Can we just get back to the story?" Ruffnut asked,

"Fine," I muttered.

_Tuff leaned against my doorframe after throwing the door open. He has this thing about not knocking, which is why when I change, I have to barricade the door. Because apparently walking in on me half-naked all the time didn't get the message through his thick head._

"STORY OF MY LIFE." I cried. "I swear, you and Tuffnut and me and my twin are _exactly _alike."

"That's...that's kinda scary, now that I think about it."

_"Mom and Dad wanna talk to us."_

_I groaned. When both our parents wanna talk to us, it's usually about something serious, like our future, or having an intervention for Uncle Bloodnut and trying to convince him that trolls aren't drinking his ale while he's asleep. I dropped the spear and shoved past Tuff, making sure to push him out of my room. He pinched my rib and I slapped him before jumping down the stairs two at a time. "You rang?" I asked, plopping onto a chair facing my parents. I shoved Tuff when he tried to take my seat._

_Dad smiled. My dad's a cool guy. He's one of Stoick's best men. When I turned thirteen, he sent me and Tuff to be on water-patrol. Water-patrol is where you run around with a giant barrel of water from the springs and throw buckets of it on the fire from dragon raids._

"I wish _my_ dad was cool." I said.

"It's rare to find dads that are even _remotely_ cool," Tigress agreed.

"You shouldn't be talking, your dad is a _kung fu master_!" I cried, waving my arm frantically.

Molly was silent for a moment, before speaking. "I want your dad Tigress."

"What's so appealing about him?" Tigress asked. "It's just martial arts."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Tigress interupted.

"Besides kung fu."

I closed my mouth and thought. When I went to speak again, I was interupted once more.

"And his moustache." I thought once more.

"His adorable, fluffly, over-sized, fuzzy, wuzzy-"

"Ears?" Tigress supplied. I nodded.

"He also looks like a stuffed animal. That must be a big hit with kids."

"STUFFY!" GIR shouted.

_I looked at my mom and could tell that something cool was about to happen, because Mom always gets this constipated kind of look whenever she doesn't get her way—meaning, whenever I don't have to do something boring and girly. I wondered if they were getting me my very own sword like they promised they'd give Tuff as soon as he started fighting dragons; I hoped it was a Flashcut…_

"There's another reason I like you Ruffnut," I said. "You don't like girly things. Neither do I. Especially pink things. I despise pink. And dresses."

"Pink is the worst color ever, and is the most likely to blind you next to yellow and white." Molly said.

"I haven't worn a dress in like...never." Tigress added.

"I WILL NOT BE REDUCED TO WEAR A DRESS!" The March Hare shouted.

"You're a guy," I pointed out.

"EXACTLY!"

_Oh, right, the name thing. My brother was named after my dad; I guess you can only find so many names that end with "nut." See, my great-grandpa's name was Cuffnut, and he had a twin named Stoutnut. Cuffnut had twins named Gruffnut and Buffnut, and Gruffnut had three kids: my dad and his twin, Bloodnut, and the first girl for a few generations, Duffnut. "Nut" names are kind of a tradition; having twins is kind of a tradition too, I guess. Aunt Duffnut was killed in a dragon raid before I was born, so I never got to know her. My Uncle Bloodnut, on the other hand…_

"So...many...nuts." Ruffnut groaned.

_"Wake up!"_

_I rolled over. "No." I'm pretty sure I was still asleep when I said that._

_I sure woke up when Mom started shaking me, though. "There's an attack; get dressed quick as yeh can and get te the hall. Hurry!"_

_That got me up. I jumped out of bed, pulling off my nightgown before both feet were on the floor. After a year of water patrol, I'd learned to get dressed really fast in the dark. I was glad I'd left my braids in—one less thing to get in the way. I ran out of my room while I was still pulling on my vest and crashed into Tuff, who was hopping into a boot._

_"Watch where you're going, butt-elf!"_

_"Sorry I didn't have time to light a candle, troll!"_

_"Get up to the hall!" Mom screeched. She grabbed her sword in one hand and axe in the other and ran outside, shrieking. My mom is the only person I know who makes the Hooligan War Cry sound ladylike._

GIR held up the Quad Box with a crazy grin. "LOL."

_"Hey, guys, check out Hiccup," Snotlout sniggered._

_I was not surprised at all to see Hiccup screaming and running towards the main square with a Monstrous Nightmare chasing him. It would happen to him. I know I should probably sound a little more concerned, but…it's Hiccup. He's been chased by more dragons than I can count on one hand. On both hands, actually. And sure enough, Stoick distracted it right before it snapped its jaws around Hiccup, and he managed to scare it off. Then, one of the enormous torches we used to keep out dragons fell over and crashed through several layers of the bridge leading to the docks—the shouts and crashes and sheep baaing was comforting._

_Not._

"Is sheep any good?" I asked Ruffnut.

"Meh," She shrugged. "It's pretty good; I wouldn't be practically living off it if I didn't like it."

"You should probably stay away from my village." Tigress said. "It almost fifty percent sheep."

_Astrid glared, putting a hand on her hip. "There could be another attack tonight; what happens if we don't have any water to put the fires out?" She didn't wait for an answer, just turned around and shook her head to get her fringe out of her eyes. Okay, confession time: the fringe is my fault. Astrid was complaining about her hair getting in the way, only she didn't want to cut it herself because she couldn't see what she was doing, so when she asked me to cut her hair, of course I was like, "Hel yes!" I cut off enough so that it wouldn't be too noticeable, only I got distracted and accidentally sliced through her hair and gave her bangs at a weird angle (although she totally rocks the look, that bitch). I apologized over and over (although, again, she looks totally hot), but she still beat me up. Moral of the story: don't ever cut your best friend's hair._

"My three-year-old cousin shaved her own head once." I said, chuckling.

Molly raised an eyebrow. "How did she manage to do that?"

"Do we wanna know?" March Hare asked.

"I have no idea actually; but I _do_ know that I couldn't look at her without needing to laugh."

_"I'm going with him."_

_Um. What? I rolled onto my side and propped myself up on my elbow. "What?"_

_He sighed. "He's hoping that if we find the nest, we can kill them all or at least scare them off so that they'll find another nest and stop attacking us."_

_I'm not an idiot; I'd heard the stories about what happened to the Vikings who went looking for the nest. "But Dad, most ships never come back."_

_He smiled. "We're Vikings; it's an occupational hazard."_

_I rolled my eyes; that was the excuse every Viking used for anything dangerous. And somehow, whenever me and Tuff tried to use it to do something dangerous, Mom never thought it was a good enough excuse…_

"I tried to use that excuse once," I said. "No effect."

_"Dad—"_

_"We shouldn't be gone more than a fortnight."_

_"You could be gone forever."_

_"Ah, my daughter; ever the optimist." Dad tugged on my braid._

"I've been meaning to ask you," I turned to Ruffnut. "Do people, besides Tuffnut, pull your hair a lot? I mean, it's so long-"

"Only when I annoy them, sooo yeah. Quite a bit."

"I'm just gonna skip the Dragon Training scene, we're running out of time." I said.

_We came to Uncle Bloodnut's front door and banged on it. "Who's there?" he shouted from inside._

_"Draugr to collect your soul," Tuff rasped._

_The door swung open and Uncle Bloodnut grinned beneath his enormous beard. "Well, if it isn't Berk's greatest dragon killers!" he boomed (my uncle doesn't talk, he booms), pulling us both into one of his hugs that almost breaks your bones. "Come in, come in, and tell me all about your first lesson!"_

_"Gobber is batshit, for serious," Tuff whined, dropping into a chair. He yelped and pulled a bear jaw out of the seat._

"Your uncle keeps bear jaws in his house?" Molly asked, incredulously

Ruffnut shrugged. "I always have to look before I sit."

_"Ruff has a crush on him," Tuff announced._

_I glared at him. "Tuff!"_

_Uncle Bloodnut practically howled with laughter. "And they call me crazy!"_

_I dropped my head onto my arm. "Please stop talking."_

_"Ah, it's all right, lass; you could do worse," he said, patting my back. "At least you won't have te worry about the competition, eh?"_

_"You can say that again," Tuff sniggered._

_"You've got a right good shot," Uncle Bloodnut continued. "He's not in much of a position to turn yeh down, is he?"_

_"I appreciate the words of comfort," I snapped, "but can we please just stop talking about it?"_

_"I think it's that time of the month," Tuff whispered loudly._

_I punched him._

"Punching is fun!" I laughed.

Molly kicked GIR off his chair, causing his to land with a clatter.

"I prefer kicking." She said.

_"We'll stop by tomorrow," I promised._

_"All right; see yeh later!" Uncle Bloodnut said as we headed out the door._

_"Bye!" we threw over our shoulders._

_"Thank Odin," Tuff muttered when we were out of earshot. "I already almost died once today, thanks."_

_"I know, right?" I looked up at the sky. "Think it's gonna rain tonight?"_

_Tuff looked up and made a face. "It better not."_

"FINISHED!" I yelled.

"Finally" Tigress groaned.

"Wait, that's it? Is there anything else?" Ruffnut asked.

"Well, it isn't finished yet, so there will be more, but don't worry Ruff. I'll let you use my laptop so you can read the rest.

"Okay good."

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><p><strong>Ratings for '<em>Confessions of a Teenage Viking'<em>**

_**Me: 9/10**_

_**Ruffnut:**** 10/10**_

_**Tigress: 9/10**_

_**March Hare: 8/10**_

**_Molly: 9/10_**

**_GIR: 10/10_**

**_Total Score: 55/60_**


	3. Love's Heartstrings

**I Am Number 5's ****Fanfiction Reviews**

**2: Love's Heartstrings**

**By I Am Number 5**

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><p><strong>I don't own anything. The characters belong to their respective owners, and 'Love's Heartstrings' belongs to Sue Mary<strong>

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><p>I entered the room silently and plopped down on my chair, setting my laptop on the table. Everyone had their eyes on me, waiting for me to say something. Instead of speaking however, my head went down and hit the table with a loud <em>thud<em> and I began to sob violently.

"Wha-what are you _doing_?" Tigress asked, in confusion. I pounded my fist on the table several times.

"It's-it's HORRIBLE!" I cried. "IT'S AN ABOMINATION! I CAN'T TAKE IT!" I then pulled out a shotgun and put it to my head. "I'M GONNA DO IT!"

Ruffnut jumped up and slapped it out of my hands. "What the hell are you doing?" she exclaimed.

I pounded the table again. "Why did you take it from me, why did you-" I sobbed again. "I was gonna do it!"

Ruffnut rolled her eyes and grabbed my collar, lifting me to my feet. She raised her hand and slapped my face repeatedly. "Snap out of it!" she demanded.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I'm sorry. This story just _sucked the soul right out of me_."

"Just calm down!" Molly snapped.

"What _are_ we reading anyway?" Tigress asked.

I spat the title out as if it was blasphemy. "_Love's Heartstrings._" I held up the Quad Box.

*boooooo*

Everyone looked at me in confusion. "What's that?" March Hare asked.

"Well A) It's a _Hannah Montana_ fic." The group shuddered. "And B) It might be even worse than _Half Life: Full-Life Consequences._" Everyone drew in a breath.

"Uh oh." Ruffnut muttered.

"This isn't gonna be pretty." Molly added.

"Can we just get this over with?" I demanded. I recieved a nod from everyone. I took a deep breath before opening my laptop and clicking on the story.

_Innit house was Hammana Montannad, da great star of ruck in rollered._

"I was always told not to judge," said Tigress. "But I hate this already."

_Seh dated alots of the boyz like friend Olvier an Rackto an even Jack O'Riley. But all had failert of the happy tru relashunships an she wam oned wits end. "I WIIL NEVER FNID TROO LOVE!" Raybill Cyrun wakes in wif gun in hand. "Hannad stope yellin or I will shot u an bet u up!"Biilyray gotted a sadness from middly age crisis an takes it out on Hannar. "U DON'T UNNERSTUND MEEEE!" And ranned away to make a rcy._

Ruffnut covered her eyes. "I can't look." She whimpered.

_Kung Foo Panda was make a slapchop at da woods stump bu nothing happened expect for some much brake of the paneful toez._

"Okay, I'll bite." Tigress growled. "What is Po doing in this, when it's a Hannah Montana story?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I sobbed.

_"YEOOUCH!" He exctractulated. "Poo u r not dong well." Master Kung Foo traner saids to him. "I no mastar. I feel liek im missing somefing imports" Kung Foo Panda twisted a lug an made the ate of it._

"...Exctractulated?"

"...Master Kung Foo traner?"

"...somefing?"

"...imports?"

"...made the ate of it?"

"...tacos?"

_"I no what u need!" Mastar exsmiled happily! Kung Foo Panda locked up in expectanse. "U need the embrace of a beauty women an cleevages." Kung Gu Pandaa nod. "Ur rite! I must fin a true love of the bueaty womens" So he left Kung Foo Town to go to there._

"I don't think this person has even seen Kung Fu Panda, because if they did, they would know that their home was called the Valley of Peace, not Kung Foo Town." I spat.

_Hanna was at da pig city ats Tarbuc__ks drinkin a coughy when Kung Goo Pandat entred. Eh sees the Hannah beauty cleavages an is smacked wif smitten. "In Po" Said Kung. "Hannar" Say Hannaj an go batk ot drink of so much coguhy. "Want go a a dateing?" Kung Foo Panad asked. Hanno standed up an screm "NO JUSB ECAUSE I CANNORT FIND TRUE LOOVE DOSNT MEEN I NEED TO DAT A LOASER OFF LIEK U!" An she leafes in a huff._

"No words." March Hare said.

_Before the leave can over an explosion is happened. It was…..THE GUY FROM DYE HARD (AN: I bet u disdnt no it's a cringle movie=)) Hannan was got shoaked by Kung Foo Panda new what 2 do. Kung Foot Panan go to guy. "Whats its name?" Man chokled "John McCaine" He sallowed flats "U must stop terrists is try to blow up da buildnig!" Knug Fu Panda jumped up high and wise to reach top of the SKYCASPER fro fite the terrots._

"It's like his name changes in every sentence." Molly said with fake fascination.

"**WHY THE HELL IS JOHN MCCAIN IN THIS?**" I boomed.

_YOU CANNOT SKYCASPER!" Kung Foo Panda prepairs a kung food kickpunch. "I must explosion it for grate justice of da terrorts!" Heh bombs his boom but Panda kik boomb back to anodder place. "Oi! Eh is so strung and power…" Thins Hannah."GOOD JOB KUNG FU PANDA WE HATE THOSE TERRORISTS!" All cheer for hids victory. Panta flies down to Hannda an say "Ho bout da date now?" Hanna thinks an toch lip wif finger. "OK!" Kun Fu Panda made a cheer happy._

"Notice how she agreed to date him _after_ killing terrorists?" Ruffnut asked. "HMM."

_Panna and Hanna go to a dinner eating at Red Loster (AUTORS NOTE: THIS IS MY FAV EAT PLACE DEY HAVE GOD BISKUTS AN MOZRELLA STACKS!) Aftern the dinner eatings Kung Fu Pandan had a suppleprise. It was tckets to a fav consert. "OMG U GOT THEM!" Hanna was soooo excreted. Kung Fu Panda sed "I got them as rewards fo resucing John McCain."_

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Molly exclaimed. "Hannah Montana is her stage form, why is she always being refered to as Hannah?"

"THIS. IS SO. STUPID." I groaned.

_"Tahnks everbody! Rember, YOU GOA BELEEEBE!" All charred an ocapose wents of da stage. Hannah and Pannah was soo happy from the goode date. "Thanks u Lung Fu Panda!" So dey went back to Ku Fung Panda''s house. "Is a good hose!" Hanna say at the prettty house. "Ur more pretty." Kung Fu Panda whipsered to her very eer. And… (**AN: Da … part is a refronce to Mumma Mia so if u didt watch it den ur domb and wont learn da story meening!**)_

"OH GODS." Tigress exclaimed. "HIS NAME IS PO. GET IT THROUGH YOU'RE HEAD."

I put my head down once again and began to sob.

_Next Dayu Panda an Han waked up on happy times of passhun. "I lvoe u Kung Fu Panda" Hannah say wif teers of happy in eyes. "I levo u 2 Hannah Mountain" Kunf Gu Panda sed. _

"They've only known each other for a day, and have been on one date. This romance is more rushed than Hicstrid."

"I know right?" Ruffnut agreed.

"You're only saying that 'cause you wish _you_ were the one dating him."

"What's it to ya?"

_Hannas lok towards mourning clok and see it 8:88 AM. "OH WEMS! I AM LAT FOR SHOOL!111!1" Knug Fu Panda gets puward an "Dornt worry Hannah I can use Kung Fu to get u there fast!" An he does._

"Yeah, because Kung fu will always get you there fast." Molly said sarcastically. "I suppose it's so fast it can get us all to France and back in the next minute."

Tigress sighed and held up the Quad Box. "QUAD!"

_At scool Hannat is talk wif frend Liley. "Eh is sooo smart and powarupful." Hannah conned. "Sunds like a reel catch." Say Liely, a little bit jelousy. Wen Hanna gets 2 home Billyrun is so much of angried an gun. "HANNA WERE WHERE U LAST NITE OUT LATES AN NOT COME HOUSE!111111111?/1" Raybill shake gun hand an fire shoot the sky for scare and emphasis._

"Billy Ray is just like the typical man from Tennessee in this story. The protective hillbilly dad with a shotgun." I stated, shaking my head.

_"I was wif my newi boyfriend!" Hannah dia twirl of happiness from romantic love incounters. "WHO IS DIS FRNEDBOY?1" Billyre Crun is angart of Hannh fnid love outsid of his warm faterly embrace. "I MUST MEET HIMS FOR FAHTAH APRROVEL!" Hannah is worry of Kung Fu Panda's raction but think maybe to see aughter happily cure Bullray of middle crisis violence._

"He he, Bullray." Ruffnut sniggered.

_Latter day Panda of Fiteing Kung and Hannah is reloxing in park when Hannah poops the queston. _

"She...poops the question?" March Hare asked. I shrugged.

"I guess Kung FOO Panad needs to listen from the other end." I joked.

_"Ok as lung as ur dad is nise!" Kung Fu Panda gete up and he an Hannah Montannan goed to Hannah house for the meetnig. Billray Cryun was werkin out wif big wates to increasement his mussels an drank a beer. Door Ring! "Ill get it!" Billrayn got gun and went open door to and see Hannah and Martia Lart soldier of Panda._

Tigress shook her head solemly. "Oh Martial Lart soldier of Panda," She sighed. "How surprised you'll be."

_"Dad tihis my new boifrend Kung Fun Padna!" Hannah smelled happy. "I am pleesed to met u sir." Raybill got reel quite. "U DATED A OAFISH LOWSACK MAN PANDA! I AM DISSAPONT!111111" Hann grabed Kung Fu Pande's hand an yell like a hjarpy screecher "I DOTN CARE WAT U THINK I LEVO HIM AN U CANNOT STOPE US!' _

"Oh boy, it's _Teen Mom_ all over again." I sighed.

_Billetrays fired da gun ballet but King Kong Panda blocked with fist and maked door go SLOM!_

"WHAT?" Ruffnut boomed. "HE'S **KING KONG** PANDA NOW?...whatisthisidon'teven."

_"Im sorru abut my ded." Hannah cry. Kung Fu Panda looked at her feces an say "Ots okay Hannah, are love wilt naver be borken." Seh happies and they kiss. Meenwhile Raybill Cruyn washes from da shades a sight of them an cokes his gun…_

"We don't cock guns anymore." Molly stated. "We coke them now."

_CHAPTER 3: THE KUNG FOO KING OF KACKISTAN_

_Hannah goes to home house affer ano day of shcool an seh cudnt wate to see boyfriend of pandaportions. Bu cirst needed to og home an gets ready for big nite on da town city wif Kung Fu Panda. Hahana opened da dore an see insid house is creep quiet. "What is happened?" She extraculates. Hannah runned thru da always an heared screms and blood spatler. It was commed form Rubray room!_

_Hasanah Montanas getted into room an saw the karnaje. It was…..Kung Fu Panda inna pool of blud an hurt! "Hannah… UR DAD RAPED ME!" _

The whole room went silent for a long time. After what seemed like forever, Ruffnut uttered the one word on everyone's mind.

"Wut."

_Hannna falleds to the ground and screms. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!111111!" She packed Kung Fu Panda body up in arfms an runned fastly away but Bilray was there wif his gun. "I gut ur domb panad now I will gut u!" He shoated a ballet fire blast an King Kung Pando was 2 week to stop it._

_Hannad id a barrel roll to avoid da shots an jumped ot the window to freedome._

"What, so now she's a ninja?" I demanded.

_"I must gets u toa hosipaly!" Hannah courages. They got to the hopsital at record time. "HALP MY BORFEND HE IS RAPED AN IN DEDLY TROUBLE!1111!" Nurse Radted comed in a see "What happened heer?" Seheh is horrorfied of the hard criem. "Mi boilfriend is rapedanger!" So they goated to work on fixing him ups._

"Hmm, rapedanger." March Hare muttered to herself. "I don't even wanna know."

_It wam seferal mones sense da rape an Hannah lived in Kung Fu House while Pandar is r__ecvering at hosiptal. _

"IDIOT!" Tigress shouted. "IT'S THE JADE PALACE! THE JADE PALACE!"

_Billetray was went gone and noone new were. Son Kung Fu Panda wuld come hoem an dey could finally live hapy in piece. Knock wen at dore and Hannah poned it to see…Kung Fu Pananda! "I made a mirakale recovry!" Dey embarsed an made a kissmooch. "I missled u Panda." Hannah cooned. "I massed u 2." Kung Fu Panda go back an kiis agan. Then it was open door._

"This...can't be legal." I whimpered.

_A gyu walked in from da bak rooms it was….BILLETYRAY CYRUST! He aws naked an Hannah an Kung Fu Panda culd see his huge "kelp bunny". _

Everyone's faces turned green and we all turned to the side to vomit.

_"HANNAH U HAF BETARYED ME WIF UR TEENAGE POBLEMS AN LVOE OF OBEESE FAT PANDO I WILT KILL U BOTH NOW!" Rubbyray hads a bigg un an he was get ready 2 shoot it at the them! Koong Foo Pondo got a brave looks an say "Hannah garb my hand!"_

"AND THEN THEY SHOOT OVER A RAINBOW!" I shouted. Everyone gave me incredulous looks. "The "Grab My Meme" on deviantArt has influenced me way too much." I explained.

_Hannah grabed Kung Fu Panta'zs had an dey glo brite like SUN RAISE it was da powor of love! "Oh glfaihfnes!" (AN: That ids a bad werd sensored so it loks like gibberush be hes reely CURSING)._

Everyone stayed silent. "That is not how you censor something. THIS is how you censor something." Then, I stood up and faced the camera. "YOUR MOTHER IS A &*$%#!&% IN A BUCKET OF !#$%^&* WITH A PIECE OF RHINO POOP AND ?#$%^&* CLAM CHOWDER *&%#%$! IN A CASTLE FAR AWAY WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU *&^%#^%*&$^%*$^ WITH A STICK OF DYNAMITE AND *&*%#!#$^ WITH AN OLD LADY FROM WISCONSIN STRAPPED TO YOUR LEG &*(&*!$#%^#%^ ELACAZAM!"

I took a deep breath and sat down again. The rest of the group stared at me in shock and fear. No words were spoken. Until Ruffnut came back to reality.

"...wow."

_Da levo power goed hypernoven and BOOM BOOM BLAM! Hen the duts cleared Billray was goned an ony bones an blud is left. Kiung Fu Padny an Hannta Montan rockstair al safe 4ever now. "U did it!" Hann goed in happy. Kung shakeding head. "No Handan, EW did it!"_

"I have no idea what happened in that first sentence." Molly said.

"I think the Black Eyed Peas had something to do with it." I shrugged. "Just a hunch."

_EPELOG_

_Hannaht and Kung Fun Panda is have fun tiems now that Billray is died an no more evel. Dey livesd in Hannahs hose as happy copple when 1 day somethnig happened. A big cat fiter was there it was…TUG LUG! "U R DEID!" Kung Fu is in disbleef!_

"That was probably the most exciting thing that has happened!" I exclaimed. "Maybe the ending won't be so..."

_"Yes but I go bettar an becamed a gud guy now!" So everone waz happy an party in da USA! _**_END THE_**

"Let's forget I said that." I growled.

"SHE DIDN'T EVEN DO 'THE END' RIGHT!" Ruffnut boomed. "HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

"So I'm gonna go on a limb here and say that this story was the worst thing ever." said Tigress.

The room went silent, before every single occupant hugged each other and burst into violent sobs.

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><p><strong>Ratings for 'Love's Heartstrings'<strong>

**Me: 0/10**

**Ruffnut: 0/10**

**Tigress: 0/10**

**March Hare: 0/10**

**Molly: 0/10**

**GIR: 0/10**

**Total: 0/60**


	4. Black Covenant: Hysterics

**I Am Number 5's ****Fanfiction Reviews**

**3: Black Covenant: Hysterics**

**By I Am Number 5**

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><p><strong>I don't own anything. The characters belong to their respective owners, and <em>Black Covenant: Hysterics<em> belongs to KingofthePhantomDragon.**

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><p>"Hello," I smiled. "Welcome to the Reading Room. Unfortunately, due to the last story we read (in which shall not be named), GIR temporarily shut down. When we managed to fix him, he refused to come back and review stories with us. So we had to hold auditions for his replacement. And...it was a complete disaster. We were just about to give up, until a last minute entry came in. We handed him a copy of a very good story and a copy of Love's Heartstrings-"<p>

"**AAAHHHHH!**" The entire room screamed.

"And he gave his opinion. The good fanfic we handed him really impressed him, and the fanfic that shall not be named...he promptly sat down and cried. So we gave him the part! Say hello to Nico!"

The yellow canary smiled and tipped his bottle cap to me.

"Nico, readers. Readers, Nico." I introduced.

"Can we just get this over with?" Ruffnut asked, picking dirt from under her nails.

"Alright!" I said, opening my laptop and clicking on the story. "Today's fanfic is called _Black Covenant: Hysterics_,"

"Is it any good?" Tigress asked.

"It's well-written, and Hiccup is kind of a badass!" I stated.

"As long as it's better than the Fic-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named." Molly shuddered, causing the rest of the group to shudder with her.

"Okay, let's get started!" I said.

_**Cliffs on the south end of Berk**_

_Hiccup giggled as he set up the catapult that he would use for his latest stunt. It's been three days since his victory over the Red Death and it was that night that they would celebrate their victory. They'd even agreed to allow him to plan some events._

_And boy did he have some plans._

"I like where this is going so far," Ruffnut nodded.

_"You're out of your mind, Hiccup." The ascended Toothless droned as he sat a few yards away, his green eyes displayed boredom.. Hiccup's friends were beside him along with their dragons._

_"You're pushing yourself a bit, Hiccup." Astrid warned her boyfriend. She had her new axe, Onyx, strapped to her back and she held his beloved blades, Obsidian and Ivory, over her shoulder._

_"I'd pay attention to your mate, my Liege." Astrid's Nadder, Nadia, advised._

_"Ignore her! Freakin' go for it!" Snotlout shouted. He was punched in the face for his outburst._

"Vikings have a tendency to punch people huh?" Tigress asked. Ruffnut promptly stood up and punched March Hare in the face. "I'll take that as a yes."

_"Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" Ruffnut and Tuffnut cheered. It was probably the first thing they've agreed on in years._

_"The "Do it"s have it. I'm going to the other side of the village." Hiccup declared as he plopped down on the giant spoon._

"Aw," I cooed. "Hiccup's gonna do something retarted!"

_"Wouldn't it be easier to just teleport there?" Fishlegs asked._

_"Easier: yes! More fun: Not yes!" Hiccup stated. "Fang!" He shouted. A chirp came from behind him and he turned to see a pure black Terrible Terror. "Cut that mother!" He ordered and pointed to the rope that held the catapult down._

_Fang squealed and snapped his teeth on the rope, severing it._

_KER-CHUNK_

Ruffnut snickered and Molly eyed her. "What's so funny?" she asked.

Ruffnut grinned widely. "Ker-chunk," she said.

_"!" Hiccup's nasally giggle echoed across the island as he sailed over the village. (A.N. Yes, it's that scene from Family Guy where Peter builds a midieval catapault, I have TiVo and I rewinded it so many times, I lost count)_

I jumped up and pointed at the screen. "I REMEMBER THAT EPISODE!" I yelled, before sitting down as if nothing happened. I was being stared at.

_"Since when the hell does he laugh like that?" Tuffnut asked. They all shrugged and mounted their dragons to go after him._

_**Village center**_

_"Gobber, Do ye have that order that I asked for?" Stoick asked as neared the Blacksmith shop._

_"Yep! Hiccup did a great job with thi... what's that sound?" He questioned and they both quieted down and listened._

_"Eheheheheheheheheh-"_

_CRASH_

_There was a huge cloud of dust that appeared in the middle of the village. When it cleared, they all gawked the sight of Hiccup's lower body flailing out of the ground._

_"I think I hit a rock!" Hiccups voice muffled through the dirt._

Nico looked at Ruffnut questioningly. "Does he actually do that?" he asked.

Ruffnut shrugged. "If I can give him a reason to."

_"There he is!" Astrid shouted from above them. The teens all dismounted their dragons and gathered around the kicking legs that seemed to be growing from the ground._

_"Is someone here growing people?" Snotlout jested, laughing at his own joke. Nobody else thought it was funny and continued to stare at Hiccup's legs._

March Hare held up the Quad Box.

"QUAD!"

_"Oh sure, you can stand there and spew out your crappy jokes but would it kill you to GET THE LEAD OUT AND HELP ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF AIR DOWN HERE!" Hiccup screamed and kicked with more intensity. They all began panicking and Stoick pulled him out easily. "Thanks, Pops." He gasped._

_Stoick glared at his son, whom was held upside-down by his leg. "What were ye doin', Hiccup?" He asked._

_"I don't remember. That rock was hard." He chuckled and began rubbing the top of his head with his dragonic hand._

_"I'm leaving you in your friends hands. Don't make anymore trouble." He growled and tossed Hiccup to Astrid, who barely held herself upright when he landed in her arms._

_Hiccup nodded, innocently until his dad and Gobber went into the Blacksmith shop. "Hey guys, How about we go to a really cool place? OOF!" Astrid dropped him._

_"Do we have a choice?" Astrid grumbled. She knew what the answer was going to be._

_"Nope! To the Pit of Death, My scaly subordinates!" He yelled before jumping on Toothless' saddle. All their dragons slipped their riders on their saddles and took off into the sky._

"Can you imagine him saying that with a British accent?" I asked.

_**Southern Berk**_

_**Pit of Death**_

_"Why do you call it the "Pit of Death"? Ruffnut asked as she gazed down into the chasm of green mist._

_"Well, when me, dad, and Gobber found it, we originally were gonna go with "Big Smelly Crack" but that just made us all giggle." He explained and chuckled as everyone else giggled at the old name._

_"Why'd you bring us here? What's so cool about it?" Astrid asked._

_"Put your head down in the hole and you'll find out." Hiccup said and pointed at the giant crack._

_"Are you sure it's safe?" Fishlegs asked, warily looking at the gas. Hiccup sniggered at them._

_"I can guarantee that it's perfectly safe... as long as you don't breathe in the gas for too long." He muttered the last part but they still heard him._

"Wow Hiccup," Molly snarked. "Way to be subtle."

_"What!" They all shouted._

_"Oh, just watch." Hiccup stomped over to the edge and got on his knees. He glanced at them to make sure that they were looking before dunking his head in the mist._

_After a few tense seconds, Hiccup pulled himself out and casually stared at them._

_"Well?" Snotlout questioned. Hiccup suddenly smiled and began laughing in a squeaky high-pitched voice._

_"Do you know why I'm the chief?" He mocked Stoick and began cracking up afterwards._

Everyone snorted with laughter.

_They all gawked at him like he was crazy then they looked at the gas, eachother... then they all dove for the pit._

_**Ten minutes later**_

_Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work we go! (Whistles catchy beat)_

_Hi ho! Hi ho!Hi ho!Hi ho! Hi ho! It's home from work we go! (Whistles catchy beat)_

"Who is singing that?" Tigress asked.

"I can only imagine..." I said thoughtfully.

_Ruffnut and Tuffnut sang in their squeaky voices, causing everyone else to laugh hysterically._

I nodded. "Knew it."

_They were all laying down using their dragons as pillows, except for Astrid who was using Huccup's shoulder with his arm wrapped around her waist. Snotlout's Monstrous Nightmare, Flare, was chuckling at his rider's half-dead expression on his face._

Ruffnut suddenly snorted; I gave her a confused face. "What?" I asked.

"I just tried to imagine Snotlout with a half-dead expression on his face." She replied.

_"I once got into my dad's mead and I woke up the next morning ass-naked on the other side of the island." Hiccup squeaked and they laughed harder._

_"I think I saw you running through the woods, back to your house that day, I don't think it was that cold that morning!" Astrid squealed, making them all, including their dragons, crack up._

"Did that really happen?" Nico asked.

Ruffnut thought for a moment. "Not that I know of." She said. "I must consult him about this!"

_"Sometimes, I wet my bed." Ruffnut squeaked._

_"That's alright, sometimes I wet your bed!" Tuffnut shouted before roaring in laughter._

"OMG ICE AGE THREE REFERENCE!" I screamed.

_The dragons apparently thought that their riders/king had had enough and began dragging them out of the cave_

_"I love my Astrid!" Hiccup squeaked and hugged Astrid closer to his body._

_"I love my Hiccup and the axe that he made for me." She squealed and rubbed her face on his chest while stroking the axe handle._

_**Ten ****more**** minutes later in the skies above Berk**_

_"Do you really wet my bed?" Ruffnut asked her brother from her Zippleback head, Crunch._

_"That was gas-talk, Sis." Tuffnut shrugged and waived her question like it was a fly, His dragon head, Crash, rolled his eyes._

_"What's next on the agenda for today?" Hiccup shouted over the wind. Toothless looked at him incredulously._

_"Are you seriously going to participate in more retarded stunts!" He asked._

_"You got it, Buddy. Sadly, not anything as serious as launching myself out of a catapault, despite how freakin' awesome it was." Hiccup said as he rubbed his head and winced._

"Does he really do that stuff?" Tigress asked.

Ruffnut shook her head. "Unless he's drunk off his ass, no."

_**That night**_

_"Tonight we celebrate my son's victory over the Red Death, the end of the war, and our new allies." Stoick shouted and was answered by a roar of cheers. "And as we've all agreed, Hiccup has been given the privelege of planning the events of tonight's festivities." He announced and stood aside to give the stage to his son._

_"Thank you, everyone! Thank you! I can't describe how happy it makes me to be standing here as one of you. But I can think of one thing to say to all of you who said that I'd never be up here as a true Viking... Fuck you all! Suck my ten-thousand-pieces-of-gold-Cock! In your face! In your face!" He gloated._

"I like this version of Hiccup," I said.

_The audience "booed" and "jeered" him, the females cheered at his choice of words._

_"But seriously! Tonight is going to be about laughter and by that I mean COMEDY!" He screamed and they all cheered in anticipation._

_"The game for tonight is called "Scenes from A Helmet" This is for my dad, myself, My dear Astrid, and the Thorston twins. What happens is this: i've passed out pieces of paper and had all of you write down certain performances that you'd like for us to act out. We took the good ones and put them in a helmet and fed the bad ones to Fishlegs' Gronkle, Wart. My dad will judge us along with all of you. Starting with...?" He and Astrid stood beside eachother with the twins standing on the opposite end of the stage. Stoick sat down in front of a table, digging out a piece of paper from the helmet in front of him._

I began to hum the _Jeopardy theme_.

_He pulled out a paper and chuckled before reading it aloud. "What the Night Fury is really thinking when he takes Hiccup flying."_

_Ruffnut walked up to the center of the stage and faced the audience. "By Thor, this guy weighs a ton!" She said like she was actually annoyed. They all laughed and she returned to her place._

_Tuffnut took his place and faced the audience. "There's a fish! There's a fish! There's a fish! There's a fish!" He looked down, droning monotonously like he was counting sheep._

_Hiccup chose to end it by taking the center stage. "What the hell am I doing here? I could be flirting with Nadia right now." He said. A rock flew over the laughing crowd and clocked him on the forehead. Toothless hung from a tree branch by his tail and wrapped himself in his wings due to his embarassment._

_Astrid pulled him up and sent him back to his spot before facing the crowd. "Where can I drop him and nobody'll find the body?" She said and laughed before going back to her spot. She checked Hiccup's forehead but he'd already healed it._

"Since when can he heal himself?" Ruffnut muttered to herself.

_"Hahaha alright! Let's see here!" Stoick pulled out another paper. "What Hiccup will say when he becomes chief."_

_Hiccup stood in front of the crowd. "I won, Get over it!" He said before taking his spot back. Everyone cracked up at that._

_Stoick wiped a tear away before pulling out another piece of paper. "Strange things to hear from a seashell."_

_Ruffnut stood at center stage and put her hand at her ear. "PUT ME DOWN!" She screamed and jerked her hand away._

Ruffnut put her hands up. "Yes, it's true," she said. "I'm a comedy genius."

I turned to Molly. "Aw, Molly, you're in this fic too!" I cooed.

_Hiccup took her place and put his hand at his ear. "Who's your daddy?" He looked at his hand in confusion then returned to his place._

March Hare threw his teacup to the ground and hollered, "THE SHELL IS ALIVE!" He then proceeded to crash through the wall, leaving a perfect imprint of his body in the wall.

The rest of us stared, before turning back to the story as if it never happened.

_"Heheheh! Things you can say about your boat, but not about your girlfriend." Stoick read._

_Tuffnut stood at center stage. "You can fit dozens of men down below." He said before going back._

_Hiccup moved to the center of the stage and faced the audience. "She's takin' on water!" He yelled and looked at Astrid apologetically._

_She half-scowled, half-smiled at him.(That look Drew Carey gets on his face when Ryan Stiles makes fun of him.)_

_"Tha's gonna get ye a one-way trip to the doghouse, son. Watch it." Stoick advised before taking out another piece of paper. He grumbled a "What the he..?" before sighing and shrugging, "What the chief really does when he's at home all by himself." He put the paper down and looked at the teens expectantly. He couldn't help but notice that the handwriting looked similar to Gobber's._

"Oh Gobber," I sighed. "You always have the best ideas."

_Hiccup seemed like the only one who would be brave enough to make fun of the chief. He tossed an imaginary rock onto the floor and jumped on his left foot towards it, then both before bending down to pick it up. He turned around and jumped on both feet. "Oh darn it!" He exclaimed before crossing his arms and pouting. The audience began cracking up at the joke but stifled themselves when Stoick didn't laugh along. Hiccup looked at his dad with the same apologetic look that he gave Astrid._

"That's a pleasant thought," Tigress said.

_Astrid walked up and faced the crowd and just stood there..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_Hiccup put his hands together and fluttered his fingers like a bird before placing his hands on her shoulder. She turned her head slightly and Hiccup fluttered his hands away. The audience laughed as did Astrid before going back to stand next to her boyfriend._

"I find it hilarious that they're making fun of the one guy in the village who could just banish them before they could say 'Orgasm'." I said.

Nico leaned over to Molly. "Is she always this sick-minded?" He asked.

"You have no idea," She replied.

"Joy."

_"Ye're all gonna pay." Stoick vowed and reached for another paper. "What Hiccup is thinking right now."_

_Hiccup took his place on the stage "I finally have everyone's respect! What the hell am I doing!" He chuckled and retook his place beside Astrid._

_Tuffnut stood at center stage. "Gods, I love this game!" He exclaimed. The audience cheered and Hiccup threw his hands up with the peace sign._

_"Very good! Next... "Weird-sounding battle cries." This should be good" Stoick muttered the last part to himself._

_Hiccup dramatically stood at center stage and pointed at the audience. "We'll hurt you." He said and snickered before going back._

_Astrid went up and looked at the crowd. "Give me Liberty... or a nice warm muffin." She declared._

"I remember the first time I made muffins," I said. "I forgot to put baking powder in the dry ingredients, and they had more of a resemblance to hockey pucks."

"That's nice," Ruffnut said in a I'm-pretending-like-I-care voice.

_Stoick took out another piece of paper. "Phrases to say that will get you punched in the eye." He announced and the audience made some 'ooh' and 'aah' sounds._

_Hiccup went first. He motioned for Ruffnut to go to him and she did so. "You don't sweat much for a fat girl." He said. She gasped and fake punched him. Going along with the act, Hiccup dropped to the ground and held his eye with a pained expression on his face. They laughed and went back to their places._

_Hiccup and Tuffnut took center stage. "I want you to punch me hard in the eye." Tuffnut said loudly. Hiccup pretended to sock him in the crotch and Tuff faked pain. They laughed and went back._

_Ruffnut told Astrid to come over to her and she did. "I have dreams of me and your boyfriend gettin' it on." Astrid reached down under the stage and pulled out a hammer. She laughed and turned back to go back to Hiccup._

I covered my mouth to hide my giggles.

"Why are you laughing?" Tigress asked, almost fearing for her life.

"You'll see," I said, snorting.

_Ruffnut stayed, however._

_"I'm serious, I really do." She chuckled. The audience gasped and turned their attention to the axe-using blonde._

_Astrid smiled calmly...before lifting up the hammer and charging towards the female twin with a scream of rage. Their chase lead them out of sight in the woods where Ruff's screams faded away._

_Hiccup faced the audience with a flushed face. "Thank you all for coming. Have a good night!" He shouted before sprinting into the woods to stop his girlfriend from commiting murder._

I couldn't hold it anymore. I burst out into a violent fit of laughter, losing balance and falling out of my chair. I began twitching on the floor like I just got tasered.

Ruffnut however, did not find anything amusing. She had a dark look on her face, a look that could send the most terrifying dragon scurrying into a corner.

"Okay!" She shouted, immediately closing the story. "I'm gonna check and see if _Confessions of a Teenage Viking_ has been updated."

"You really like that story huh?" Tigress asked, her eyes locked on me panting for breath on the floor.

"Well, yeah," Ruffnut said. "It's a whole story about _me_," She turned back to the screen and checked my email, but the inbox was empty. "DAMMIT!" She screamed.

I finally managed to drag myself back onto my chair. "It's okay Ruff, you can always re-read _Black Covenant: Hysterics_!" I burst into laughter again, pounding the table.

"Hey Ruffnut," Nico piped up. "I have a question for you."

"Shoot."

"Do you have dreams about you and Hiccup getting it on?" He asked, grinning widely.

Ruffnut's cheeks turned a deep red and she stuttered at the camera,

"E-END SCENE! END SCENE!"

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><p><strong>Ratings for '<em>Black Covenant: Hysterics<em>'**

_**Me: 9/10**_

_**Ruffnut: 8/10**_

_**Tigress: 9/10**_

_**March Hare: 7/10**_

_**Molly: 8/10**_

_**Nico: 9/10**_

_**Total Score: 50/60**_


End file.
